please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
