My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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