i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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