So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
