Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
