I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
