There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
