saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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