never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
