she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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