dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
