I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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