i'm signing you up for texting rehab
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
