i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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