2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
