Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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