Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
