if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
