Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
