It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
