I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
