I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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