New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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