And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
