I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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