it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
