I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
