I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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