Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
