Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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