jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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