Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
