i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
