In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
