She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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