I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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