Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
