I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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