does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
