He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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