I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
