I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
