Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
