i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
