my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
