It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize