I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
