You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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