Ambien. No doubt about it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
