Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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