i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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