so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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