I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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