nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
