On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
