my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
