i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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